Dysfunction in the Weber Household

On this blog I like to present our household as functional and totally peachy--it is all a lie. There exists a long-standing rift amongst our family members that may be beyond repair. It is a rivalry, if you will, that is a strain on me and occasionally pulls my love in two directions, causing me to lay angst-ridden and unable to sleep for as long as fifteen seconds.

Kate and Clara. My wife vs. my cat.

While Homer and Frankie are very much "Our" pets, it has always been rather clear that I am Clara's human. (If you have ever had a cat, then you know that you do not own one as a pet. Rather, they honor you with the distinction of being the human that gets to house it, feed it, change its litter box, and pay its outrageous vet bills.) It has been this way since a needy (read--starving, pregnant, teenage-crack-whore) cat found me at a rural wedding almost six years ago. I saw it as a sign that she knew I liked cats and would take good care of her. Kate claims she knew a sucker when she saw one.

In the beginning, we were able to keep up the pretense that the kitty-love was equal all around. But when Clara and I moved to Ann Arbor for a year without Kate, Clara discovered how much she enjoyed a household in which she received all of my attention. She had a taste of the sweet life and she didn't want to go back. But since I love my wife and, well, Clara is just a cat, our household was eventually reunited and back to normal.


Or so we thought.


Not long after moving back in together, Clara made it perfectly clear that Kate needed to tread carefully. I do not remember exactly why, but Kate's parents were visiting and we were doing something in our apartment that involved moving things around. Anyway, Kate inadvertently blocked Clara's litter box. Clara watched her do it. All four of our coats were laying together in the hallway. (I really do not remember why they were not hanging up.) Clara identified which one was Kate's and proceeded to pee all over it. Naturally, Kate was livid. But as we pointed out to her, trying not to laugh too much, she did block Clara's toilet. Clara has not repeated the peeing incident, but has threatened a shoe or purse when she has felt Kate to be out of line.


Since this occurrence, they have struck an uneasy alliance of just tolerating each other.

But recent events have led me to believe that we may be headed toward a cataclysmic showdown. Yes, the claws are going to come out, the fur is going to fly, and I will have quite the tail to tell when someone's felines get hurt.

Kate and Clara usually get along best when it is cold. Being a cat, Clara likes to seek out the warmest spot in the house. And being a chilly-willy, Kate is constantly on the search for ways to be warmer. This usually results in them compromising and snuggling together in bed. But this winter, Clara has decided she would rather snuggle with the heating vents. This should not be such a big deal, but she has chosen Kate's favorite vent as her own. Yes, my wife has a favorite heating vent. There is a vent tucked back under the kitchen sink cabinet that is rather nice on the feet when you are washing dishes. On cold mornings, I have even come down stairs to catch Kate sitting on the kitchen floor in front of it to get toasty before she goes to work. Clara discovered that it is pleasant to wedge herself under the cabinet right against the vent, completely blocking the air flow. I haven't been able to get a good picture of her crammed under there, but here is a one of her napping contentedly in front of it.

In all fairness Kate is upset because Clara is blocking the airflow which could potentially lead to higher heat bills. But what amuses me is that Clara does this only when Kate is home. During the day, she lays near it but does not block it. As soon as Kate gets home from work, Clara saunters over and pointedly blocks it.

Damn cat.